I know it may sound like I’m now doing my own porn (and seeing me as a prostitute or escort) thanks to the virginity auction of mine. Many of my friends (especially those who knew me before I began transitioning to a woman) have really been shocked since I made the announcement of my decision to auction off my virginity on April 18, 2014. It is clearly not sitting well with many of my close friends of nearly 20 years and they believe in their heart of hearts that it is not OK for me to be doing this, but after the eliminations of Malaya Watson and Jessica Meuse on American Idol, I said I would auction off my virginity and now Jessica Meuse’s elimination is reason why I decided to auction off my virginty.
Another reason why the virginity auction is now necessary is that back in 1994 when I first realized I felt more female than male first even considered this but no one knew about this. It physically pains me that I still have the male demon that needs to be released. There were times during my senior year that emotionally I was hurting so bad that I was feeling sick to my stomach to the point I almost threw up, and sometimes I just get panic attacks. Yeah, that was when I had been forced to live as a male and basically failed miserably as a biological male until I realized I made an earlier attempt to transition to the female gender in December 1995, but knowing had I came out back then, the consequences would have been a Hell of a lot different than they are now–it would not be until October 2003 when I officially came out as a transgender female.
Had this been 11 years ago, I know I would have told you this is selfish to take my own life. You know, the doctor prescribed Prozac for depression and anxiety, but those are just fancy words for “selfish.” I knew after I came out as a transgender female that had I remained a male I was going to hurt everyone who loves me (or even worse become another Jeremy Blacnhard, sex offender, or child molester). Obviously, I chose to come out and knowing that if I continued living as a male (besides keeping the male genitals for reproductive purposes since sperm banking would be a huge financial burden.)
Nearly yen years has passed since I began my gender transition, and the roadblocks like hormones, facial feminmization, sperm banking–the latter of which have kept me from transitioning anoy further (not because I’ve been smoking after a fateful prom night my senior year), but it has been like this for too long and there’s still a chance that I will never recover in Marion.
I just don’t see how I can ever have a chance at recovery and fixing everything that was broken my senior year of high school and even though I’ve been far more successful as a woman than I ever had been as a male. I think having sexual intercourse between a biological man (now a pre-op transwoman) and a biological woman, placing the biological man’s virgininty up on the auction block is a much better idea than just stay and die a slow, excruciating death. It feels like that.
I don’t want anyone to feel like this post serving as a suicide note, but more of what you’ll say “Oh, my God! Ava, you were right all along. Why did I choose not to believe you the first time?” My decision to auction off my virginity wasn’t made in haste plus feeling like this is something I have no other choice since all the other options were exhauseted and as a last resort. At this point, there’s pretty much nothing, literally nothing that my friends, family, and fans could have done (other than voting only for the female contestants on shows like American Idol, The X Factor USA, and The Voice of America–and I say thank for that as well as what eventually became VotefortheGirls.us); I know you’ve all tried your damnedest and fought so hard to help me.
I guess it’s like I don’t mean to be over dramatic, per se, but it’s like there’s one small demon inside of me that needs to go.
The only person who can help me now is… the biological woman’s highest bid on the virginity auction that will have sexual intercourse (and yes, I am a transwoman–or as the porn industry call it shemale, an offensive term that all M2F’s hate–that will insert her “male penis” or my enlarged clitoris as I call it into the biological woman’s vagina.)
I really don’t mean to hurt anyone of my friends, family or any fan reading this. Remember that I’m doing a very big favor for all transgender women, of which she should really think about before even starting estrogen therapy.
I’m doing literally no other transgender woman has ever done.
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